5 Reasons We Don’t See UFOs Anymore
Recently, the online magazine Aeon ran an article about why there aren’t UFO sightings anymore. The obvious skeptic’s answer, of course, is “there never were any UFO’s, you idiot.” But the author, Stuart Walton, goes a little more in depth. He sees the decrease of sightings over the years as a result of an increased skepticism brought about by:
1) Consumer culture (when every other horror movie is promoted as “The scariest movie you’ll ever see!” the idea of “scariest” becomes meaningless and we just accept that no one ever tells the truth when trying to sell us stuff) and
2) The dissemination of technology, specifically video technology.
When Peter Jackson can throw an entire army of Orcs that don’t actually exist on the screen, and comparatively amateurish Youtubers are able to put together pretty creepy hoax videos, it becomes increasingly harder to take the claims of “those lights in the sky are totes aliens, you guys!” too seriously.
But for the sake of exploring all possible avenues, let’s take a look at some other potential reasons for the lack of UFO sightings. For example, maybe there aren’t as many sightings because…
1. They Are In The Midst of an Energy Crisis Too
This comes as news to no one, but gas is pretty expensive. The current national average is $3.59 per gallon as I write this, and while that is down from where it was last year, that’s still $3.59 more than I spend on nutritious food any given week.
And with summer soon upon us, get ready for a whole bunch of stories about how high gas prices are affecting people’s vacation plans and habits, usually in the form of how staycations are becoming more popular and cheaper alternative. Because fuck traveling anywhere when it costs half your paycheck.
So if we are feeling the pinch of high cost energy, why couldn’t the aliens as well? Maybe the reason we haven’t seen much of them lately is because they just can’t afford to make the trip anymore. Hell, I bitch about having to drive a half hour to get to work every day. That’s nothing compared to the lightyears an alien race would have to travel just to hover above us and laugh at our primitive ways. If the cost for travel has increased for them, trips all the way out to the Earth Zoo would likely be one of the first things they’d cut out of their budget.
2. The Doctor Wiped Them Out
Maybe the race of aliens getting up in our grill were dicks and trying to destroy us and other races in the universe! If there is one thing I know (and knowing even one thing is a stretch) it’s that when an evil prick alien races get out of hand, The Doctor will give ‘em what for.
So perhaps whatever race of aliens was hovering outside out bedrooms watching us sleep like a bunch of creepers drew the attention of The Doctor, and when they wouldn’t listen to reason he reconfigured their planet’s vortex or… something. Whatever, long story short they got sonic-screwdrivered to death and are no longer around to harass us.
“I’ll explain it using a bunch of big, sciencey sounding words, then I’ll use an analogy to compare it to something simpler, and then contradict myself by saying it’s actually nothing like that”
3. A Massive Planet Wide, Decades Long Orgy
I feel this one is pretty self-explanatory. Who has time for eavesdropping when there is a whole big pile of tentacle sex happening?!
4. They Got Fed Up With Our One Sided Relationship
How many times have our alien friends made the trip all the way out here to see us, and we’ve never once made it out there to see their place? Dick move, guys. Really, we shouldn’t be surprised they stop coming around here. They really are putting in all the effort in this relationship. Sure, we’ve tried to make it out there, but then we make excuses like “we’ll have to cut funding to NASA due to the economy” or “the technology needed to travel that far doesn’t exist.”
Maybe the aliens saw our lack of commitment and just said “Fuck it. They can come to us when they’re ready for a more serious relationship.” We really need to grow up, earthlings, if we ever want to find someone who will make us happy.
5. They Finally Realized How Stupid We Are
I’m not talking about being technologically inferior; that’s a given. What I mean is that they got a good look at our culture and decided “You know what? Not even worth it.”
Here’s the TV ratings for last week. Look at the second one, for the Top 25 Programs. Duck Dynasty, a show about sentient beards making duck whistles, is on there five freaking times, including the top two spots, followed by the Macho Soap Opera for Bros. Outside of television you have shit like the Harlem Shake taking the world by storm, and for a hot second throwing gallons of milk on the floor was considered hilarious.
If you encountered a race of people who thought throwing milk around constituted a great prank, I’m guessing you’d have second thoughts about making contact with them as well.
But that’s enough idle speculation. We all know the real reason they left is because of Will Smith.